Dreaming the Life to Living the Dream

One of the most amazing things that define us as being human is our ability to dream. All great pieces of artwork, all of those incredible structures and creations you see around us began as a dream.

Do you have a dream?

The downside of any dream is the fear of regret. An all too human fear that we will not achieve our dreams or goals, and that in 5, 10, 20 years’time we will have lived past our dream and regret not having fulfilled it. For example, I love swimming. Once when I was a child my swimming teacher told me if I continued lessons I could be an Olympic swimmer. Whether he meant it or not, I’ll never know. My parents didn’t have the time or money to get me to the local swimming pool, and school swim lessons didn’t continue past junior school. I’ve never been particularly interested in the Olympics, but I can’t help but think ‘What If…?’
What if I’d kept going swimming?
What if dieting actually worked for me?
What if I had kept up piano lessons from my aunt?
What if I hadn’t given up trying to teach myself Japanese because of other responsibilities?

I could go on. And, no doubt, there will be many ‘What Ifs’ to come. The problem is that there are so many opportunities open to us as children, at a time when most of us don’t know what we want to do or what will benefit us. How many dreams can you think of that you’ve let go because, at the time, it seemed too far off to be reached? Could you reach it now?

My current dream, once that has been repeatedly shattered and rebuilt, is the dream of being a published author.

I have always been passionate about writing, but it wasn’t until around 4/5 years ago that my dream of being published became feasible.

It was at a performing arts workshop. I’d already been writing songs, poems, stories and script fragments for years, and thought that a rap or music workshop’ would be something different. I look so different from all the others in there… imagine what you think a stereotype male rapper would look like. That was the 6 others in the room. Now imagine me, the only girl, a little overweight and on the short side, sitting quietly on her own. Yeah. But after 5 minutes I had a page and a half of a rap which needed no editing, as opposed to their 4-5 lines that they had needed help with. After the week was over we had to fill in a form to audition to perform at a theatre. Not knowing what to write, I asked the workshop leader, who took the form from me and just wrote the word ‘POETRY’ across the page under my contact details. And they kept contacting me. I wrote poems, songs and scripts for them for the next couple of years…

Since then I’ve received several offers to be published from various companies…

But then the painful bit comes.

Even though it was they who made the first move by contacting me asking to publish my work, they just stopped contacting me.
The man who promised to help me publish my own work.
The company that asked to put me in a book with other poets.
Even the performing arts company that had built my confidence up from nothing.

I contacted the company, and they still haven’t replied regarding my place in their book. It’s been a year, yet they send me a letter now and then asking for an individual poem for this or that. I just don’t trust them enough to want anything to do with them anymore.

I’ve considered self-publishing, but money at the moment is an issue.

But I’m not the type of person who surrenders easily.

I have over 100 poems and counting. I’m writing a book, with ideas for several others floating around on various bits of paper and hardware. I have a small series of short crime drama stories on a website. I may not be any closer to achieving my life’s dream at the moment, but giving up is not an option. If we want something in life, and it’s worth having, then it’s worth fighting for.

So here’s the message for today:

Keep the hope alive.

Hope is what keeps us believing, and belief is what keeps us fighting. Don’t lose hope because others have let you down because, as much as it hurts, you will always have people who will let you down. The real tragedy is when you let yourself down. If you can’t rely on yourself, who can you rely on?

Keep the hope alive.

And one day you will make it.

Until then I wish you all the best in every dream you chose to chase, with every faith that you will catch it.

Dream’s Prayer

Blossom, little flame
And grow with all your might
Delight the five senses
With your magic
Wash over me
Little flame
So that I be numb
With the joy you may give

Please don’t strike me down
But allow my heart
To shield and cultivate
Your great light
So that you may spread
To the hearts of others
And be evergreen
Little flame, bloom for me.



Consequences of Kindness

Of course we all know a little kindness goes a long way. It is one of the first things we are taught as a child: to treat others as we would like to be treated. I’m sure if everyone lived by this code there would be no problem, but the sad truth is that once we leave primary school the ‘code of conduct’ we are taught to live by as young children changes drastically. Things such as romance edge in to the picture, popularity contents run rife and this is something that is always sure to be prominent in everyone’s future. So where do we go from here?

Well, I believe it is fair to assume kindness doesn’t get you everywhere. There are people in life who appreciate kindness, but there are many who will take advantage. There isn’t really a way to weed this people out for certain without getting to know them, so we will all fall to some unappreciative idiot at one point or another. I am a firm believer that it is not evil that destroys most angels, but goodness. Their goodness is wonderful, and whenever we think of someone we consider to be an angel we think they are spectacular, beautiful people that deserve the best in life, but they are rarely people who have what we would consider to be ‘the best in life’. They are the people that, whether happy with what they’ve got or not, make do and soldier on, caring for those around them whether they have known that person for 5 minutes or 50 years. But goodness can come at a price. If these ‘Angels’ are not shown appreciation, most of the time they will act like it doesn’t bother them. Maybe they think it doesn’t. But subconsciously it gnaws away at them. Angels find it very difficult not to care, so even if you abuse their kindness they will rarely be able to convince themselves to be less kind towards you.

Have I just described someone you know? Or maybe I have described you? Well, here are some things to consider:

If I have described someone you know; be it partner, parent, friend or family, tell them you appreciate them. Don’t wait till their birthday to tell them you love them! Just because you think they know they are special to you doesn’t mean you can’t say it. From as little as a simple ‘Thank You’ to a pat on the back or buying them dinner, every gesture will mean more than you could imagine to them. Your mother cooks and cleans for you every day? Help out by cutting the vegetables once in a while or making sure you leave the kitchen clean after using it. Your best friend helps you revise for a test? Buy them their favorite chocolates or take them out somewhere, just you two. I’m not telling you to spend extortionate amounts of money on every thank you you ever give… sometimes the words are enough.

If I have described you? You are a beautiful person. Hell, maybe you don’t even realise it’s you we’re talking about. But you are amazing, and everyone wishes you the best in life… but sometimes you can be too kind for your own good. There are horrible people in this world who will use your kind nature for their personal gain adn not care who gets hurt. Be careful. Think about what you are agreeing to before you do it – it is ok to say no. Really, it is. You have a life too, and you shouldn’t be expected to do everything for someone just because they can not be bothered. If you feel that someone you are helping is using you or being ungrateful, tell someone. Try talking to them, or talk to a friend. Don’t suffer in silence, my friend, because if anyone deserves happiness, it is you.

Well, that’s all from me for now. Feel free to comment, and here is something for you to consider:

Headstone of an Angel

Eyes that once sparkled, radiant stars
Watched you with love and care
Now are as dull as broken mirrors.
Hair of rich golden silk
Fades to grey-green
And hangs in knotted clumps.

Never distracted by evil
It was goodness that touched the Angel.

Does that pale skin still glow
Or has this grimy layer
Extinguished virtue’s light?
Clothes no longer ivory
But woven of filth
And hang as rags.

Never came close to evil
It was goodness that strangled the Angel.

Once magestic velvet wings
Lie contorted, twisted
Brown leaves fall and crumble
Molting and dissolving
Were they once feathers?

Never tempted by evil
It was goodness that felled the Angel.

Kindnesses given; taken forgranted
Gifts treated like grains of dirt
Yet never a complaint was heard.
Silent suffering for a silent helper
Gratitude was never given
Though the Angel never took.

Never a thought of evil
It was goodness that killed the Angel.


Thank you for reading xx

Homosexuality: It’s Natural!

Today I was asked a strange question. If a child were to brought up in a homosexual community, would it be homosexual? Surely the absurdity of this question is clear: if this was the case then everyone would be ‘straight’, because of being brought up in a ‘straight’ community. The asker then went on to compare such a thing to raising a child in a community of pedophiles!! In his defence he is a man of an older generation, but still. Is this what the world has come to? In ancient times there was no problem with homosexuals. In nature, there is no problem. Many creatures in the animal kingdom display homosexual behaviours. In between breeding seasons male whales will often engage in same sex sexual stimulation, and species such as primates and swans are well known for homosexual couples mating for life.

It is ridiculous to persecute people based on who they fall in love with. In the media at the moment there is an argument that homosexuals should not be able to marry in churches. Why not? Just because they are homosexual they can’t be Christian? There are many Christians who are accepting of same sex relationships. Hell, there are many people in every religion who pick and chose what parts they believe in: that is what religion is. So… why are people still so intolerant towards same sex couples?

I’m aware this post may be all over the place, but it’s a delicate subject. This blog will be followed up on a later date, depending on whether or not you decide to contact me with your thoughts and opinions. Is there widespread intolerance, or is it just the few intolerant people getting their voice across? Do you have any anecdotes or thoughts you would like to share? Comment on the bottom of the page, and I will address your thoughts in the follow up blog. For now, I would like to leave you with this last piece;

You sneer, turn away
In the light of day
Say our ‘preference’
Is a disease
We’re ‘wrong in the brain,
Clearly quite insane’
I assure you this
Is not the case.

I am the girl abused to change
But you can not change the heart
I am the boy disowned for love
By those I thought would accept
Stop this madness
We can’t change who we are.

They laugh and they jeer
Refusing to hear
It’s more natural
Than they’d like to believe
Can’t you understand
This is who I am
And if you think you
Can change me – you’re wrong.

I am the girl her friends left behind
Ashamed to be associated
I am the boy beaten to death
For the crime of finding true love
Stop this madness
We won’t change who we are.

You’re words cut like knives
Making worthless our lives
Who are you to say
Our love is wrong?
No matter how much pain
We will stay the same
We can accept you why
Won’t you accept us?

I am the girl you left to bleed
Your insults engraved in my mind
I am the boy avoided like the plague
‘Cause you think I want to change you
Stop this madness
This is who we are.

There will be no change.

A Verse for All Who Have Ever Lost Someone Dear…

Lament and Remembrance

How is it possible
To feel such sorrow
And yet be unable to show it?
To feel tears stabbing your brain
But not your eyes?
The sting of death
Where love and loss collide
Fireworks exploding in your heart
Your brain
But have lost colour
You wish to remember
Remember the good times, the love
To forget would be to disrespect
That which you love…loved…
And yet
To remember
Is to remember what was;
And has been lost
To feel the heartbreak
Again…and again…
How is it possible
This pain
This hurt
One that cannot be expressed
By a sea of tears
A choir of wails
A mournful silence
Nothing can truly explain.
There are no words.
“I miss you” is an understatement
“I will always remember you” is a ghost
Of a saying
A saying we always use
No matter how much remembering hurts
I’m rambling?
Don’t we all.
What can you say?
How can you put into simple words
The sorrow of one taken to early from this world
Or of one that has been there for you
Since you arrived on this earth?
To feel the stab
The black and white flames of anguish, despair
Is enough to make everything else
Seem that little less important
But to see another
To see the grief you yourself are unable to show
Written on their face
In their movements
Engraved onto their aching hearts
That is when you really know
The one you love is gone.
How is it possible
To carry on as normal
When Death himself runs the flat of his scythe
Against your back
Your chest
Your eyes
Making you aware of the finer details
The capriciousness of life?
It has been said
“It is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved”
But nothing is ever that simple.
How is it possible
Perhaps it is the remembering
The remembering that causes such pain
That brings back the sting
The stab of loss
Yet reminds us of the good times passed
And those ahead we have yet to forge.
Perhaps it is the feeling
That a little piece of them, their soul
Their heart
Resides in our own being
That our hearts formed a bond the moment we met
One not even Deaths scythe can cut
A bond that will connect us
In Heart
In Spirit
In Mind
For eternity.
Or perhaps
Just maybe
It is love.
Though we may no longer see their body
It does not mean the love is lost.
But no matter what it is
That keeps us going
We will forever lament
We will forever remember
In our hearts
Where not even the forces of nature or the supernatural
Can wear away
The words no tongue can truly say.

Seasons of Love

Seasonal Love

Warmth of the sun
That wraps around me
Soft as the snow
Against my skin
Musky rich scent
Of fallen leaves
In the glory of spring

Love is a strange thing in that it can be expressed in many different ways and take many different paths. The question is: how do we know when we have found the right path? Many people find a partner and think after the first month “He/She is ‘the one'”, but some people can spend years in a relationship with someone without their partner being the proverbial ‘one’.

I’ve seen many a relationship, all very different, all very confusing. everybody seeks something different from a relationship… or do they? The elements are the same, just in different proportions. I believe the contents of a good relationship can be likened to the seasons in a year.

1) Emotional Intimacy. The ‘Spring’ of the relationship. Think about the first few weeks of an established relationship – those moments in which you yearn to be near your partner just to hear their voice, when you learn about each other’s loves and hates. Little things such as taking an interest in your partner’s hobbies can make all the difference. Your girlfriend likes to paint? Ask what she likes to paint. Don’t ask what paints she uses if you don’t know the difference between watercolours and acrylics. Taking an interest doesn’t have to be strained, and even if she is modest, I’m sure she loves that you asked to see her paintings. If your husband likes tropical fish, see if you have the time and money for him to have a tank. Be open to random facts about your partners hobby. Who knows, you might enjoy it too!

2) Sexual Intimacy. The ‘Summer’ season. Sexual intimacy ranges from the passionate (usually bedroom) activities to just telling him how he looks gorgeous in that shirt, or how you love how her hair smells. Even when we feel we don’t need physical intimacy, you’ll be amazed how good it feels to snuggle up to a loved one or fall asleep in your partners arms. Remember: you are never too old for snuggling. A tender rub of the shoulder, an arm around the waist, or just holding hands, skin to skin contact is vital in any relationship.

3) Variety and Spontaneity. In ‘Autumn’ we take a break from the uniform green and see a fantastic mix of reds, yellows and oranges. Life has a sad habit of falling into a set routine. Get up, wash, brush teeth, have breakfast, etc, etc… Some people like routines. Granted, routine can make life easire – you know when your lessons or work schedule is, you know what time you need to be out of the house before you are late… but what about when relationships become routine? Sometimes when you are in a relationship for a length of time it becomes less about love and more about the routine you have grown into. So every tuesday night you go on a date. So every friday night you go out with friends. So you could write a step-by-step guide on the precise moves you use during sex. Does anyone else see the problem with this? Are you in love, or are you just going through the motions? If it is the latter, maybe you should rethink where you’re at. If you are in love, however, then there is plenty of room to go off timetable. Buy her flowers ‘to wish her a merry monday’, or set up a film she likes and order a take away to surprise her when she gets home. Get him that CD he loves that you hate so he can listen to it when you’re not there, give him a suprise back rub after a hard days work. Random acts of affection let you know the spark is still there.

4) Space. The ‘Winter’ or cold periods. Space is not always a bad thing, as long as it isn’t something you find yourself wanting whenever you spend 5 minutes with your partner. You each need a life outside of each other. Taking an interest is important, but hovering and muscling in on their hobbies creates a lack of variety, smothering feeling and bland conversation. Think of your favourite hobby. Now think how you would feel if your partner decided to become an expert in it, correcting you and telling you things you already knew as if you’d never heard of it before. Or how you would feel if you and your partner were handcuffed together for a week. Cooling periods allow for a little self-reflection, enjoyment with friends and catching up on the things you like that your partner doesn’t. Variety is good. It gives you something new to discuss. 

So there it is. The four Seasons of Love. Maybe there’s something in it, or maybe I’m speaking from the gutter. Do you have some profound thoughts, nuggets of advice or ideas for a future blog post? Don’t hesitate to comment!